The EQ habit that actually changes how people respond to you
You already know the theory, listen more, react less. It's easy to nod along to that in a workshop, and completely different when someone's frustrated in front of you, maybe even accusing you of something that isn't fair. This week Liz breaks down the one habit that actually holds up in that moment, three steps, and the meeting that taught her why the pause is harder than it sounds.
Key takeaways:
- The urge to justify yourself immediately is a signal, not an instruction, notice it before you act on it.
- Ask a clarifying question instead of defending your position, not to buy time, to actually find out what the other person thinks is happening.
- Respond to what they actually said, not what you assumed they meant, most defensiveness is a reaction to an imagined accusation, not the real one.
- Doing this well means accepting you might not get your own perspective heard in that exact moment, that's the real cost, and it's not a small one.
- Your job in the room isn't to be understood first, it's to understand where the other person is coming from, that's the point you move forward from.
Watch the video: https://youtu.be/zmZhmQJHEls
Read the blog: https://www.edgeofpossibilities.com.au/blog/the-eq-habit-that-actually-changes-how-people-respond-to-you
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Full Transcript
You already know the theory. Listen more and react less. It's easy to nod along with that in a workshop, completely different when someone's in front of you, frustrated, maybe even accusing you of something that isn't fair, and every part of you wants to correct the record right now.
This week isn't more awareness. It's the one habit that actually holds up in that moment. Here's the habit in three steps.
Notice the urge to justify. That lightning feeling, the need to explain yourself immediately, that's the signal, not the instruction.
Ask a clarifying question instead. Not to buy time, to actually find out what they think is happening.
And respond with what they actually said, not what you assumed they meant. Most defensiveness is a reaction to an imagined accusation, not the real one.
Simple to describe, genuinely hard to do in the moment. Let me show you what I mean.
I remember a meeting where someone was throwing accusations around, not really seeing the bigger picture, and honestly not doing their own job as part of it either. I felt myself getting really angry, the urge to stop them and clarify my position and get my point across was enormous. But I knew I needed to stop, take a breath and ask questions instead.
Here's the part that was genuinely hard. Doing that meant accepting I may not get my perspective heard at all. Not in that moment. That stung, but it also wasn't the point. That's the lesson that changed how I lead.
Your job in the room isn't to have your perspective heard. It's to be clear about the bigger picture you're building toward. And when someone brings you a problem, your job is to understand where they're coming from first. That's the point you move forward from, not the point where you've successfully explained yourself.
I haven't met a leader who's perfect at this, me included. It's a lifelong skill, not a box that you tick once.
But once you understand the weight of the pause, and what asking instead of explaining actually does to a conversation, it changes how people respond to you. Not because you've said less, because you've understood more before you speak.
Next time you feel the pull to defend your point of view before you've understood theirs, that's the moment, not before it, not after it, right there.
If you want a clearer read on where this pattern shows up for you, the Leadership Mirror takes three minutes, link below.