The EQ habit that actually changes how people respond to you
Aug 15, 2026Edge of Possibilities | Liz Murray | Leadership Reading time: 5 minutes
You already know the theory. Listen more, react less. It's easy to nod along to that in a workshop. It's a different thing entirely when someone's in front of you, frustrated, maybe even accusing you of something that isn't fair, and every part of you wants to correct the record right now.
This week isn't more awareness. It's the one habit that actually holds up in that moment.
The habit, in three steps
1. Notice the urge to justify. That tightening feeling, the need to explain yourself immediately, is the signal, not the instruction.
2. Ask a clarifying question instead. Not to buy time, to actually find out what they think is happening.
3. Respond to what they actually said, not what you assumed they meant. Most defensiveness is a response to an imagined accusation, not the real one.
Simple to describe. Genuinely hard to do in the moment. Let me show you what I mean.
Where I learned this the hard way
I remember a meeting where someone was throwing accusations around, not really seeing the bigger picture, and, frankly, not doing their own part of the job either. I felt myself getting angry. The urge to stop them, clarify my position and get my point across was enormous.
But I knew I needed to stop, take a breath, and ask questions instead.
Here's the part that was genuinely hard. Doing that meant accepting I might not get my perspective heard at all, not in that moment. And that stung. But it also wasn't the point.
That's the lesson that changed how I lead. Your job in the room isn't to have your perspective heard. It's to be clear about the bigger picture you're building toward, and when someone brings you a problem, your job is to understand where they're coming from first. That's the point you move forward from, not the point where you've successfully explained yourself.
Why this is worth the discomfort
I haven't met a leader who's perfect at this, myself included. It's a lifelong skill, not a box you tick once. But once you understand the weight of the pause, and what asking instead of explaining actually does to a conversation, it changes how people respond to you. Not because you've said less. Because you've understood more before you spoke.
Next time you feel the pull to defend your view before you've understood theirs, that's the moment. Not before it. Not after it. Right there.
If you want a clearer read on where this pattern shows up for you specifically, The Leadership Mirror takes three minutes.
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