Why the same conversation keeps coming back
Oct 11, 2026"I've already told them."
I hear that from leaders all the time. And what I'd love to know is, what did you ask them?
Last week I wrote about the habits we already know we have. This week it's the conversation that keeps coming back. Same person, same issue, and a few weeks later you're saying it all again.
Three months of the same conversation
I had a team member who wasn't pulling their weight, and I couldn't work out why. Maybe they didn't understand the commitment they'd made to the role. Maybe they didn't know what the role was. Or maybe they just weren't interested in doing what was expected of them.
Over three months I had heaps of meetings with them. I kept dropping hints about what they needed to do and where to find the information they needed. I felt like I was bending over backwards to help.
It cost me dearly. The work wasn't getting done, everyone around them in the team was paying for it, and they didn't seem to know or care.
Call me a slow learner, but it wasn't until I stopped telling them what to do and started asking questions that things changed. I asked two things. What's your vision for this role? And what are your priorities?
Once I asked, it all came out. They were uncomfortable with what the role was asking of them. The training they'd been avoiding walked them through those exact steps. They didn't know that, and neither did I, because I hadn't asked.
Graham and his two managers
Graham (not his real name) kept calling me on his way home from work, frustrated about the same two managers. Three months in a row. Same issue, still unresolved.
He was running the same pattern I had. He was telling them what to do, and they weren't listening.
As soon as he got to work, he'd walk into the office and start barking orders. He was frustrated, tired and bossy, and he was micromanaging his team. They were feeling it.
When he finally sat down for coaching, he started by letting out the frustration. He was at tipping point. "I might as well just pack up and sell the business. This is too hard."
What he changed was simple. He started having regular scheduled catch ups with his managers, and asking deeper questions to understand what was happening from their side.
Now they're working as a team. Everyone's happier and more productive, and the work is getting done. Most importantly, Graham has the time and headspace for the things that matter to him, because he no longer feels he has to micromanage everybody.
Telling is Parent mode, asking is Adult mode
Telling is what I call Parent mode. We're bossy, we're judging, we're making assumptions, and we come in with a fixed mindset. It sits below the line.
Asking is Adult mode. It sits above the line, where we're curious and open.
So when a leader tells me "I've already told them," I say, "I'm hearing what you already told them. What I'd love to know is, what did you ask them?"
In both stories the conversation kept coming back while we were telling. It moved when we started asking.
One thing to try this week
Think of the conversation you keep having, the one that's frustrating you. Before you have it again, book the time and go in with a question rather than an instruction.
Try the questions that worked for me:
What's your vision for this role?
What are your priorities right now?
Find out which pattern is driving yours
If you want to see which pattern is driving yours, take the Leadership Mirror. It's free and takes about five minutes.
Prefer to watch or listen? Watch the video or listen to the podcast.
What's the conversation you keep having? Tell me in the comments.
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