You already know what you do. You don't know why.
Oct 02, 2026"I know I'm doing it. It's just what I always do."
I hear some version of that from experienced leaders all the time. Smart, reflective people who've read the books and done the courses. They can describe their habit in detail. They can tell you exactly when it shows up. And it still runs.
If that sounds familiar, it's worth asking a different question. Not "what do I do?" You already know that. The better question is "what's driving it?"
Because knowing your habit and seeing what drives it are two very different things. Only one of them changes anything.
When knowing wasn't enough for me
Early in my leadership career, I had a habit that frustrated me no end. I'd make a decision, set a plan in motion and present it to the leadership team. Then someone would push back with a completely different perspective.
And I'd start to unravel. Was their idea better than mine? Would they follow through on my plan if they thought theirs was better? Was my thinking high level enough? Was I even cut out for leadership?
I knew I did it. I could see the pattern clearly. Knowing didn't stop it.
What finally shifted it was seeing what was actually going on. I was building the plan first, on my own, and then second guessing myself the moment the feedback arrived. So I changed the order. For anything that involved the team, I gathered their ideas and feedback first, then went away and built the plan I wanted it to be.
It took me a long time to get there. But I can't tell you the sense of relief when I finally understood what was blocking me from backing myself.
As soon as I started gathering ideas from the team first and then delivering my final plan, I felt like I was finally leading with confidence. And the unexpected bonus? My team respected my decisiveness even more.
Kara's story
Kara (not her real name) had a team member who kept making the same mistake. Over and over. Kara danced around it. A little bit of feedback here and there, never quite getting to the heart of it.
She had good reasons, or so she told herself. They weren't ready. They had too much going on. It wouldn't be fair to give them that feedback when they might not be able to cope with it.
The problem was that it kept happening. Before long, other people in the team were coming to Kara to complain about the team member, because the issue still hadn't been resolved.
Over a few coaching sessions, we worked on understanding what was driving it. What we found was an old boss. Someone who had been very direct and hurtful in the way they delivered feedback to Kara. She didn't want her team member to feel the way she had felt back then.
Once she saw that, she could see something else too. Real, specific feedback was what would actually help her team member. And holding it back had a cost, for that person, for the rest of the team, and for Kara.
Kara's own word for it was selfish. That was her realisation, and it was a big moment for her. The way I'd put it is simpler. Her kindness was real. It just wasn't helping anyone.
Why knowing isn't enough
Both stories have the same shape. The habit was visible. The reason behind it wasn't. And while the reason stayed hidden, the habit kept winning, however many times we promised ourselves we'd do it differently.
That's why one more book or one more resolution so often doesn't shift it. You're working on the what. The why is still running the show.
Two questions worth sitting with
When a leader tells me "I know I'm doing it, it's just what I always do," I ask them two things.
What has doing this been costing you?
And if you could replace this old habit now, what difference would it make for you?
Give yourself a few minutes with both. The answers are usually more revealing than the habit itself.
One thing to try this week
Before you make your next call, the decision you've been sitting on or the conversation you keep softening, pause and ask yourself:
"If I were leading from clarity and certainty, completely aligned with my vision, what would I do?"
Then do that.
Find out which pattern is yours
If you want to see which pattern is driving yours, take the Leadership Mirror. It looks at four areas of how you lead under pressure and shows you where your authority is quietly slipping. It's free, and it takes about five minutes.
What's the habit you know you do, and still do anyway? Tell me in the comments.
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